Breaking Through Survival Mode: What My Teenage Daughters Taught Me About Leadership

 4 Minute Read

Sometimes, the most profound leadership lessons come from the most unexpected teachers - in my case, my teenage daughter.

It was 3 AM when I finally had to face it. Staring at the ceiling of my bedroom in Port Coquitlam, British Columbia, listening to the quiet breathing of my three teenage daughters down the hall, I realized I wasn't just tired. I was stuck.

As an executive responsible for 150 staff across multiple facilities, I thought I was handling it well. Sure, our turnover rates were climbing. Yes, my most talented team members were walking away after thousands invested in their development. And okay, maybe those 80-hour work weeks were taking their toll. But I was doing what every leader does—pushing through, working harder, trying to fix everything.

Then came the moment that changed everything.

The Wake-Up Call

It wasn't a major crisis that broke me. It was two simple questions from my middle daughter Sara: "Dad, why do you always have to try to fix everything!? Why can't you listen?"

That question hit me between the eyes and stopped me in my tracks. She was right. At work, I approached every challenge with the same reactive "fix-it" mentality that was driving my daughters away at home.

The pattern was identical:

• Understaffing led to burnout.
• Burnout drove turnover.
• Turnover worsened.
• And I kept trying...

1. To solve it with policies.
2. More meetings.
3. Talking.

I realized at that moment that I was doing the same things in both contexts because my systemic energy was the same in both places—anxiety, worry and frustration when people did things that I thought were wrong, risky, or going to cause even more problems--I would try to fix them. Spoiler alert: People don't like to work with people who are leading like this. They also don't like living with them, even when they love them.

But here's what I've learned since then: Survival mode isn't just an individual state—it's systemic. Treating it with band-aid solutions is like trying to fill a leaking bucket without patching the hole.

The Hidden Cost of Survival Mode

The real tragedy of survival mode isn't just the obvious metrics—turnover rates, sick days, or declining performance—but the invisible toll it takes on your high performers and on you.

These are the team members who:

• Never complain about extra shifts (externally, at least).
• Volunteer (or voluntold) for additional projects.
• Try to constantly exceed expectations.

And then, one day, they hand in their resignation, go on sick leave, or start becoming problematic, leaving you blindsided

Sound familiar?

Breaking the Cycle

The transformation begins most unexpectedly for "high-performers" and driven executives. They have to stop talking and start listening. They have to listen to the conversations their lives and leadership have with them daily. My daughter and my life had been talking to me for a long time, but I wasn't listening until I was. Here's what I heard when I first started listening:

1. Survival mode isn't a personal failing—it's a systemic message.
2. The solution isn't working harder—it's creating a safe space.
3. Real change begins when we regulate ourselves first.

The Practical Path Forward

Here's what this looks like in practice:

Instead of: Running another team-building exercise, Try: Creating space for honest, consequence-free feedback about systemic pressures.

Instead of: Implementing new performance metrics, Try: Having genuine conversations about what makes people feel unsafe at work.

Instead of: Adding more wellness programs, Try: Addressing the root causes of workplace stress.

The results? In my case, they were transformative:

• Turnover rates dropped.
• Staff engagement scores rose.
• And most importantly, people started thriving.

My team started to change when I changed within myself, and so did my relationship with my daughters. 

Your Next Steps

If you recognize yourself or your team in this story, here's where to start:

1. Acknowledge the Reality: Survival mode isn't a sign of weakness—it's your system speaking to you.
2. Create Safety First: Before launching new initiatives, focus on psychological safety.
3. Listen Differently: Interpret what your system is saying to you within.

Remember: Just as I learned from my daughters that solving isn't the same as listening, your team needs you to understand that surviving isn't the same as thriving.

Ready to move your team beyond survival mode? Let's connect and explore how to transform your healthcare leadership from the inside out.

Want to dive deeper into creating sustainable healthcare leadership? Subscribe to The Safe Space Leader Newsletter for weekly insights and practical strategies.

Trace Hobson is a Healthcare Leadership Coach and creator of Safe Space Systemic Coaching, helping healthcare leaders transform toxic systems into thriving, retention-focused environments. With 25+ years of leadership experience, he specializes in helping leaders decode systemic patterns and create sustainable change.

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